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Friday, May 18, 2012

Motherhood Becomes Me

A couple of years ago, my biggest fear was that I will never be able to bear a child. I was worried the absence of a child will make The Hubby and I's relationship turn sour - that at one point we'll be bored with being 'just You and I'. Aside from that, The Hubby is an only child and I know he wants kids (take note, plural). There was also a 'pressure to produce' being imposed, albeit quietly, by our parents and other relatives.

I took on the anxiety for years, prayed and at one point sought medical attention but to no avail. Then one day, the miracle came just when we have stopped expecting. And they say, 'When it rains, it pours? Yes, oh yes it does, because we have been blessed three amazing times!


So my journey to motherhood began and never did I imagine it will be this beautiful, challenging and life-changing. Suddenly, I became the person I never expected to be - a nurse, teacher, cook, driver, waitress, magician and who knows what else.


Motherhood led me to discover myself over and over again, and find a different yet better version of me each time. I didn't know I have a patience the length of San Juanico Bridge and that my kisses could suddenly heal scraped knees and wounds, soothe an ache and calm a tantrum. I never knew my arms can both be a pillow and a blanket and they won't get sore or numb no matter how long they are wrapped around my children; never realized I have become stronger, even mightier than any monsters and ghosts inside the closet.


I have always thought of myself a weakling; easily downed by fever and a simple cough usually could turn into a full blown asthma attack. But the great thing called Motherhood transformed me into a Super Mom like how swallowing a magic rock turns Ada into Zsazsa Zaturnnah (I could have elected Darna but ain't Zaturrnah more apt? LOL) . Less than twenty four hours after a c-section, I can force myself to walk so I can see my baby at the nursery. My mom, a worry-wart, asked me if I wasn't feeling any pain at all. Honestly, I feel pain - a lot of it, but the joy of being a mother overwhelms any discomfort of the surgery. Actually post-surgery is just the icing on the cake. The real 'discomfort' is during the delivery when total strangers will strip you naked, poke, probe, roll you like a dough and slice you open like a pig. To be able to endure that embarrassment is already an achievement!


But if my children are my strength, ironically they are also my kryptonite for it is also my being a mother that brings out my biggest fears - imaginary or otherwise. I now worry about almost everything - the rain, heat, earthquake, noise, water quality, mosquitoes, among many things I used to just ignore. I find myself checking my children every so often while they sleep, afraid a blanket has accidentally covered their face rendering them unable to breathe.

Motherhood has indeed changed me in many ways I never thought possible. It was a gift so many women begged to receive; some walk on their knees in prayer, dance in rituals, pay for expensive treatment in order to conceive. I am forever thankful to God to have been blessed with my children and I am doing everything I can every single day to deserve being called Mommy.

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